if a storm hits (angry-love)

What happens after the ending of the fairy story, "And they lived happily ever after.."? I know some of you aren't there, but you will be, so it may be a good idea to ask yourself this.

What do you do when you actually live day-to-day with the Beloved?

What happens if a storm hits? What happens when - as they used to say back in the 1980's seminars - "Love brings up things unlike itself (for healing and release..)"?

What happens when one of you pisses the other off? Over some little thing. But it becomes BIG!

Do you pretend you're not angry? Do you try to appease, to calm the other down, to calm yourself down? Do you feel suddenly distant, because the connection's gone; and there is only frustration, or anger, or outright rage; and thoughts of loneliness begin to haunt you and make you start acting false to keep things 'together'? Do you try to race forward to a solution, or hanker back for how things used to be?

Or can you be REAL? ..and let yourself (and the other) BE with angry-love?

I am learning from being with my Beloved to be REAL. And I am so happy about this. It has been hard for me at times. I have been such a habitual pleaser, and appeaser, and I have been so scared of outright anger and confrontation. I have been such a nice-guy. I have tried to smooth things over, to "let sleeping dogs lie". And I have had such a hard time saying, "No!" and standing up for myself. And that has brought all kinds of problems and complications into my life.

But at first, my clumsy expressions of anger were cruel, inappropriate, overblown, not authentic. And as an actor, I KNOW when I am not being authentic. I felt like a beginner. And that made me even more angry, and sad.

But remembering my intention to really surrender to LOVE was the key for me. This helped me to let go of trying to make it look a certain way, or have a controlled outcome to fit my tidy pictures of what was 'right'.

I wrote this poem long before I felt able to really surrender to angry-love when it hit my world (from within me, or from without). But it came right from my heart, written in one go, and the ocean image led me onward.

It is dedicated to my Beloved, Agneta.

If A Storm Hits

If a storm hits

I will not run away

and hide from you

saying give me just the calm days

where all is quiet and still

no

I will dance out of my door

and watch in awe

I will stand and shout back into your wind

or

surrender to your strength

and let you toss me

like a rag across the beach

or

I will wait

like the sandy bay

until your fury subsides

and let you kiss me

again

I will let you

stir and shake my shingle

and pound me

time and time again

but

I will stay

and sometimes stand

like a rock

to catch your passion

and throw it back into the air

in breathtaking displays of spray and salt

when you need me

I will reach my arms under you

wide

as the bottom of the sea

and hold you

embrace you

allow you

to fill me with your tides

and currents

waves and troughs

forever

I will

K