Dancing and Acting: my medicine for finding balance and freedom.

Sometimes in the past, friends would ask me why I was sad. "I'm not sad," I would say. But they said they saw it in my face. Maybe they were right: I was sad, but couldn't feel it. And more recently, my beloved would sometimes say, "You're angry." And I would say, "I'm not angry." But then I got defensive and angry anyway, so she was right!

So I asked myself, "Is the anger already there in me? Is it always there? Am I carrying it about, like a time bomb, waiting for someone or some situation to trigger it? Is it outside my control? Should I try to control it? Or am I supposed to let it be 'uncontrolled'?" The same questions came up about sadness.

Here is an excerpt from a talk by Osho. He is talking about anger.

"Once you can bring it for no reason at all, you will be very happy because now you have a freedom. Otherwise even anger is dominated by situations. You are not a master of it. If you cannot bring it, how can you drop it?

Gurdjieff used to teach his disciples never to start by dropping anything. First start by bringing it in, because only a person who can create anger on demand can be capable of dropping it on demand — simple mathematics. So Gurdjieff would tell his disciples to first learn how to be angry. Everybody would be sitting and suddenly he would say, “Number One, stand up and be angry!” It looks so absurd.

But if you can bring it.... And it is always available, just by the comer, you just have to pull it in. It comes easily when anybody provides an excuse. Somebody insults you — it is there. So why wait for the insult? Why be dominated by the other? Why can’t you bring it yourself? Bring it yourself!

In the beginning it looks a little awkward, strange, unbelievable, because you have always believed in the theory that it is somebody else whose insult has created the anger. That’s not true. Anger has always been there; somebody has just given an excuse for it to come up."

The same talk describes how, if you are habitually a 'sad' person, anger is difficult for you. And the opposite is true too: if you are habitually angry, sadness is difficult. Osho recommends practicing the one you don't do much, until they are equal in you. Get your anger and your sadness in balance, he says, then - while they cancel each other out - you can 'slip away' and be free. If you want to read more you can find the whole transcript here on the Osho website.

But if you want to try it, get your body moving! Try a 5Rhythms, or Free Dance, or similar dance workshop. Take an acting class. At least move your body, preferably where there are other people doing it with you, and hold the thought: "It's safe to let my emotions out to play." Come and give yourself permission to look a little "awkward, strange, unbelievable".

I recommend Dancegatherings, in Stockholm, which happens most Fridays. Here is their website. See you there!

The Love That Changes Everything

When I first wrote "The Love That Changes Everything", it sat in a notebook for a while, barely legible, unfinished. It was a call to the Universe. It was not that I wanted to be loved, or feel loved, but I wanted to feel love.

Being the object of someone's loving can be sweet, fun, embarrassing, tricky.. always changing. But when I have felt love channeling through me, to someone else, I thought, that's when I am most truly alive! That's what this poem was calling in. I wanted to be a lover again. I felt empty without it. It didn't even have to be requited, I thought. I just want to feel it again before I die.

After I met my beloved, I found the unfinished poem, added some lines to 'finish' it, and sent it in a message. It was an expression of how I wanted to dive in deeply, and love without holding back anything.

Today, after reading a talk by Osho, called Sadness as Meditation (I'll post it next time), I returned to my poem and added more. Maybe it's finished now..

The Love that Changes Everything.

I want the Love that changes everything.

I am afraid, but Fear, you are now welcome in my living room.

I used to be scared of you, and tried to keep you out.

I didn’t want to sit and tremble with you.

But now I invite you: Come and tremble with Me!

Sadness, you come in too.

Let me wrap my arms around you like a long-lost friend.

Sit with Me and talk: Whatever you want to prattle on about is fine.

I too have been a prattler for years.

Anger, you are also my honoured guest.

You sometimes dance all night, waking my neighbours with the din.

But I will never tell you to be quiet.

Oh, Beloved, by the way,

If we wake you up, my guests and I,

Please know that it is because

I want the Love that changes everything.

The love that keeps me happy

Has been a false friend,

And conspired with the love that keeps me safe

To hide my heart away from me.

And I was held a prisoner

Of the love that hates change.

Beloved,

Come to me!

For I know who my true friends are now,

And together with them,

I want the Love that changes everything.

if a storm hits (angry-love)

What happens after the ending of the fairy story, "And they lived happily ever after.."? I know some of you aren't there, but you will be, so it may be a good idea to ask yourself this.

What do you do when you actually live day-to-day with the Beloved?

What happens if a storm hits? What happens when - as they used to say back in the 1980's seminars - "Love brings up things unlike itself (for healing and release..)"?

What happens when one of you pisses the other off? Over some little thing. But it becomes BIG!

Do you pretend you're not angry? Do you try to appease, to calm the other down, to calm yourself down? Do you feel suddenly distant, because the connection's gone; and there is only frustration, or anger, or outright rage; and thoughts of loneliness begin to haunt you and make you start acting false to keep things 'together'? Do you try to race forward to a solution, or hanker back for how things used to be?

Or can you be REAL? ..and let yourself (and the other) BE with angry-love?

I am learning from being with my Beloved to be REAL. And I am so happy about this. It has been hard for me at times. I have been such a habitual pleaser, and appeaser, and I have been so scared of outright anger and confrontation. I have been such a nice-guy. I have tried to smooth things over, to "let sleeping dogs lie". And I have had such a hard time saying, "No!" and standing up for myself. And that has brought all kinds of problems and complications into my life.

But at first, my clumsy expressions of anger were cruel, inappropriate, overblown, not authentic. And as an actor, I KNOW when I am not being authentic. I felt like a beginner. And that made me even more angry, and sad.

But remembering my intention to really surrender to LOVE was the key for me. This helped me to let go of trying to make it look a certain way, or have a controlled outcome to fit my tidy pictures of what was 'right'.

I wrote this poem long before I felt able to really surrender to angry-love when it hit my world (from within me, or from without). But it came right from my heart, written in one go, and the ocean image led me onward.

It is dedicated to my Beloved, Agneta.

If A Storm Hits

If a storm hits

I will not run away

and hide from you

saying give me just the calm days

where all is quiet and still

no

I will dance out of my door

and watch in awe

I will stand and shout back into your wind

or

surrender to your strength

and let you toss me

like a rag across the beach

or

I will wait

like the sandy bay

until your fury subsides

and let you kiss me

again

I will let you

stir and shake my shingle

and pound me

time and time again

but

I will stay

and sometimes stand

like a rock

to catch your passion

and throw it back into the air

in breathtaking displays of spray and salt

when you need me

I will reach my arms under you

wide

as the bottom of the sea

and hold you

embrace you

allow you

to fill me with your tides

and currents

waves and troughs

forever

I will

K

Under Samma Måne

Under Samma Måne

Mitt i allting

fann jag en stund

eller kanske stunden fann mig

under en måne

Den månen

den Enda månen

och min kropp

Den kroppen

den Enda kroppen

visste hur den skulle dansa

dansade mig

hon dansade mig

som jag

med mig

nu

för alltid

Under tiden

sover

din kropp

Den Kroppen

den Enda kroppen

under samma måne

sover jag med dig

och

dansar du med mig

...drömmer vi tillsammans

nu

och i evighet

(English translation)

Under The Same Moon

In the middle of everything,

I found a moment

or the moment found me

under a moon

the moon

the One and only Moon

and my body

the body

the One and only Body

knew how to dance

it danced me

she danced me

as me

with me

now

forever

meanwhile,

your body

the body

the One and only Body

sleeps

under the same moon

I sleep with you

and

you dance with me

we dream together

now

forever

to the Divine Feminine

dear You

just so you know,
I'm not trying to compete,
change,
emulate,
outdo,
eclipse,
take any attention away from . . .

. . You

nor am I trying to
be anything other than,
change,
deny,
abdicate,
promote,
aggrandize,
under play
over play . . .


. . mySelf

but

You should also know

I am . .


. . mySelf


. . equally Divine as You


. . not You


and


. . totally in Love


with You







and now I am

ready

to turn things around