Dancing and Acting: my medicine for finding balance and freedom.

Sometimes in the past, friends would ask me why I was sad. "I'm not sad," I would say. But they said they saw it in my face. Maybe they were right: I was sad, but couldn't feel it. And more recently, my beloved would sometimes say, "You're angry." And I would say, "I'm not angry." But then I got defensive and angry anyway, so she was right!

So I asked myself, "Is the anger already there in me? Is it always there? Am I carrying it about, like a time bomb, waiting for someone or some situation to trigger it? Is it outside my control? Should I try to control it? Or am I supposed to let it be 'uncontrolled'?" The same questions came up about sadness.

Here is an excerpt from a talk by Osho. He is talking about anger.

"Once you can bring it for no reason at all, you will be very happy because now you have a freedom. Otherwise even anger is dominated by situations. You are not a master of it. If you cannot bring it, how can you drop it?

Gurdjieff used to teach his disciples never to start by dropping anything. First start by bringing it in, because only a person who can create anger on demand can be capable of dropping it on demand — simple mathematics. So Gurdjieff would tell his disciples to first learn how to be angry. Everybody would be sitting and suddenly he would say, “Number One, stand up and be angry!” It looks so absurd.

But if you can bring it.... And it is always available, just by the comer, you just have to pull it in. It comes easily when anybody provides an excuse. Somebody insults you — it is there. So why wait for the insult? Why be dominated by the other? Why can’t you bring it yourself? Bring it yourself!

In the beginning it looks a little awkward, strange, unbelievable, because you have always believed in the theory that it is somebody else whose insult has created the anger. That’s not true. Anger has always been there; somebody has just given an excuse for it to come up."

The same talk describes how, if you are habitually a 'sad' person, anger is difficult for you. And the opposite is true too: if you are habitually angry, sadness is difficult. Osho recommends practicing the one you don't do much, until they are equal in you. Get your anger and your sadness in balance, he says, then - while they cancel each other out - you can 'slip away' and be free. If you want to read more you can find the whole transcript here on the Osho website.

But if you want to try it, get your body moving! Try a 5Rhythms, or Free Dance, or similar dance workshop. Take an acting class. At least move your body, preferably where there are other people doing it with you, and hold the thought: "It's safe to let my emotions out to play." Come and give yourself permission to look a little "awkward, strange, unbelievable".

I recommend Dancegatherings, in Stockholm, which happens most Fridays. Here is their website. See you there!

The Love That Changes Everything

When I first wrote "The Love That Changes Everything", it sat in a notebook for a while, barely legible, unfinished. It was a call to the Universe. It was not that I wanted to be loved, or feel loved, but I wanted to feel love.

Being the object of someone's loving can be sweet, fun, embarrassing, tricky.. always changing. But when I have felt love channeling through me, to someone else, I thought, that's when I am most truly alive! That's what this poem was calling in. I wanted to be a lover again. I felt empty without it. It didn't even have to be requited, I thought. I just want to feel it again before I die.

After I met my beloved, I found the unfinished poem, added some lines to 'finish' it, and sent it in a message. It was an expression of how I wanted to dive in deeply, and love without holding back anything.

Today, after reading a talk by Osho, called Sadness as Meditation (I'll post it next time), I returned to my poem and added more. Maybe it's finished now..

The Love that Changes Everything.

I want the Love that changes everything.

I am afraid, but Fear, you are now welcome in my living room.

I used to be scared of you, and tried to keep you out.

I didn’t want to sit and tremble with you.

But now I invite you: Come and tremble with Me!

Sadness, you come in too.

Let me wrap my arms around you like a long-lost friend.

Sit with Me and talk: Whatever you want to prattle on about is fine.

I too have been a prattler for years.

Anger, you are also my honoured guest.

You sometimes dance all night, waking my neighbours with the din.

But I will never tell you to be quiet.

Oh, Beloved, by the way,

If we wake you up, my guests and I,

Please know that it is because

I want the Love that changes everything.

The love that keeps me happy

Has been a false friend,

And conspired with the love that keeps me safe

To hide my heart away from me.

And I was held a prisoner

Of the love that hates change.

Beloved,

Come to me!

For I know who my true friends are now,

And together with them,

I want the Love that changes everything.